10 Gripes about Romance Novels

Dear Readers,

In the same vein as "10 Things I Hate About You," I've listed 10 gripes I have with some romance novels that I sincerely hope I may never be guilty of committing. This list is in no particular order.

1. Serial authors who use same plot formula in every book
2. A romance is going beautifully until the heroine/hero sabotages it with really stupid reasoning.
3. The omnipresent "impossibly tall" heroes with broad shoulders and rock hard builds. (Give me break! Geesh! How many 6 foot body builder-types were around in Scotland and Englands in the 1800's?)
4. Where the desperate need to hear the words, "I love you," overrides every single act of love. Since when is the pursuit of "words" more important than the "acts" of love? (BTW, this bothers me so much, I'm contemplating writing a romance where those words are never spoken. That'd be quite a challenge, don't you think?)
5. Drama queens" and/or stupid heroines
6. Convoluted problems (mostly in one's head) that are deliberately designed to prolong the book but add nothing to the story except irritating the reader
7. Heroes who are male whores (i.e. sleep with any and every available female)
8. Multiple and unnecessary sex scenes substituted for anything remotely resembling a plot (I've read -- ended up skimming, actually -- some books where sex scenes take up 1/2 the book!!) And more often than not, these sex scenes could be "cut and pasted" from one to another.
9. When a sexual response (the quissential "cock twitching" or "warmth pooling") is equated with love or the beginnings of it.
10. And accompanying #9 is the ridiculous conclusion by the hero/heroine that the object of his/her instanteous lust is substantially "different" (smarter, more common sense, more worthy in some way, despite never having set eyes on that person before) than others because of this sexual response. Geesh. Talk about rationalizing lust ....
    
    Which leads me to another whole set of issues that we'll consider to be a., b., c., etc. (so I can still pretend it's 10 things)

• Sex scenes where the woman is thrashing her head back and forth or some other outrageously overdone response to a man touching (just TOUCHING) her breasts. (Okay, I object to head thrashing in any scenario. It makes me want to toss the book in the fireplace.) Or that pinching and biting thing. Hey! That HURTS, why would a woman like that unless she's into a bit of S&M? And if she is, then say so! I wouldn't object to reading it if that's the point!
• Not only that (okay, now I'm on a roll), what is it with all these 1200's and 1800's guys having oral sex with their heroines. People barely bathed then (a few times a year!). I get nauseous just thinking of it. The only time I consider it appealing is when this occurs immediately after a bath. Otherwise, it's just plain GROSS!
• Then there's the men taking a woman's virginity and she gets dressed, walks around (pretending nothing happened) as though she isn't leaking blood all over the place at that point.
  
  Hmm. Okay. I think I'm done ranting. Now, to make up for it, I'll have to do a followup with "10 Things I Enjoy in Romance Novels."